Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
