we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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