I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
