Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We are two peas in an std pod
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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