a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
