The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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