Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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