Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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