How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize