Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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