My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
