whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
