So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
