im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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