i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
