When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
