Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
