I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
