yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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