I smell stomach acid.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
