Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
