HIV tests are more positive than that guy
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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