this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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