Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
