whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
