You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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