Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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