Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
