i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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