dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
