our cab driver is having phone sex.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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