so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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