I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
