Screwed.edu
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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