Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is Oprah even human
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
