My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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