Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
