She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
