it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
