I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
