just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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