got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
