I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
