a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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