I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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