I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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