And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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