i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
