a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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