omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
