Ambien. No doubt about it.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
