I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
