In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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