looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
