went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
