yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
