my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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