My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
