Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize