I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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