Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
