12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
