1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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