I can't breathe out the right side of my face
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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