i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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